Serenity HNT #12

Still finding it difficult to find the time to post what I truly wish to. For I do have some fantastic ideas stirring within my mind, but unfortunately they are all so time consuming... So for now here are a few HNT's of myself seeking serenity the best way I know how and that is just spending some alone time on my property.

Deep Thoughts, trying to let go of the entwined mental

twists within my own mind.

Spotted a few ducks (should have took a few pics of them).


And now finally the proof the mustache is gone, for those whom
may have been in disbelief.

What is this all about?

Click that blue guy to find out.

Votes are in

Alright so it is 9 - 0 that the mustache must go!!! Thank you for commenting and letting me know . Damn can you believe I had a mustache since I was 17 and never once shaved it off until just last summer. Can't get over the fact I was living in the wrong for so long, well anyways it didn't take me very long to take care of that problem, amazing much quicker to shave it off then it was to grow it back. Now do I need to show you it's gone or do you still need proof? Well if it is the later then you'll just have to wait since I spaced my camera off and left it in Jazmine (my jeep). So hopefully I'll find the time very soon to update my blog with a recent pic of my naked lip.

Hairlip of Not? HNT #11

Alright so the time has come, after a month of trying to grow back my mustache... I so need to know should I keep it of let it go?

Alright so here is the hairlip

and the one without

Personally it doesn't matter much either way to me.. For I only look at myself in the mirror a few times a day.... So this question is more for those whom have the honor of looking at me for much greater periods of time thoughout the day, and I am sure each one of them will be greatly appreciative with your paticipation in this poll.

Happy

Self Esteem

I was hoping to have found some time last weekend to make a post but once again time slipped away.... Damn weekends are way too short now a days... Any who, I am not sure if I had shared this or not but something I have found very disturbing and really haven't given much thought about until last Friday... While at work I was listening to a local radio station (one I had once worked for, not too long ago) 105.7 The Buzzard and about an hour into my shift they played this song.
Yes, you guessed it, it is "Self Esteem" from Offspring. Much like most songs I have memories that I tend to benchmark my life with, but that one in particular has a strong hold on me yet to this day. For when it was released, I was dating? Living with? Had a girl friend? Damn I don't know what the hell it was, except for it was a fucked up relationship nonetheless and that song nailed it right on the head.

I was so stuck in denial it wasn't even funny. Even when I listened to that song it was hitting home, but I didn't want to accept it. Was the sex that great?!?!? To be honest YES it was. I have to admit that she knew what she was doing and she was one of the best fucks of my life. Literally; physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially. She knew what she was doing and was not a fool.

It wasn't until her friend disclosed to me and opened my eyes to everything she was doing behind my back. Here I was thinking (yes, denial) that it was just me and my damn trust issues. Come to find out she had been working as an escort while I was out at work. Needless to say, once I found this out, her shit was out the door and I went directly to the doctors to get my self checked out for every flipping thing. To this day I thank God my results have come up clean.

Now here is a flip side of it all. Obviously many years have now passed since that time. Yet recently I ran into her father and we began to talk (once again God was looking over me). Apparently she is now doing time for killing her last boyfriend with a nine millimeter point blank range. Not just one shot either, according to her father she emptied the clip into this guy.

Well there you go, proof I sure know how to pick them.

Getting back into Life

Damn does time fly by when you are busy, I’ve been pulling 10 –12 hr work days this last week fortunately today is only an 8 and yes it’s TGIF. Even with my busy work week, I realized I so need a social life, so I’ve began to go back to meetings. I came across one that happens to start just as my shift ends. The only bad part is that it’s not in the best part of town, then again is there any meeting halls that are? Other then that the meetings have been just what I have been yearning. My spirit is once again beginning to be filled, and I now once again can hold my head up and look into other people’s eyes.

It’s amazing how easily I had forgotten how much I so need human contact. There was a time all I did was play games and met people on the computer. Yes, I was addicted to an online game and I did meet some fantastic people that I had began to truly love, but that time has come to an end. I found I so need more in my life, the actual human touch, looking into some ones eyes (without a cam).

Once again the time is getting away from me, and I am running late for work, but knew I needed to post something if not anything. Hopefully I’ll be able to find time this weekend to fill in the gaps of all the bullshit that has once again come into my life.

"Just Friends"

As a request from Deena, I just got done watching that movie "Just Friends". I have to admit parts of it were funny, but then again there were others that hit too close to home. As mentioned in my 100 things, I’ve had that special friend and hit the “friend zone” that we could never get past. This is reality and not Hollywood… I recall after some time had come to pass and we ran into each other once again she made it very clear that this isn’t like "When Harry met Sally".

Once again choices lie before me of what I should do next. One I can follow Tom Leykis advice, if all I wanted to do is to get laid….
Hmmmmm, well that wouldn’t be that bad at this moment……. Grrrrr, I just can’t go there either, I’ve played that game before and it doesn’t get me where I truly wish to be. So I guess I really don’t have that many choices if I wish to be true to thy own self.

Corkscrew Rollercoaster

Alright so go ahead and spank me, I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I have just been busy with work and mind fucking myself for the last week. Possibly better put, jumping on the emotional rollercoaster and just giving my mind a free ride to do whatever it chooses to do, definitely not a very wise thing to do...

Damn it why am I finding this so difficult to write? It's not that I have a mind blockat this moment it is running hundred miles an hour. It's just that everything I have written and deleted thus far just doesn't feel right.... Maybe I shoudl just give up and either "A" quit posting all together, or "B" stop proof reading what has been already written and just let it be... Well if I did choose to do "A" then why havea blog at all... So I guess the only true option is "B", now if I could just find that zone and do that *sigh*.

Well that doesn't look as if it's going to happen either, for at this moment I think I am in the corkscrew of that ride... Twisted and entwined thoughts are still running amuck, Well this ever end? Why am I doing this to myself? I was in a great place until...... Bingo, there it is.... I was in a great place until I was once again informed " I was a great friend and I don't wish to lose that". The most dreded words a single guy can ever hear. Granted I don't wish to lose the friendship that has been built, but hasn't it been written the best lovers start off as friends?!?!??! If that holds so much truth where the hell is the line?

Fuck it all anyways.... I am once again back to an all so familuar place; baffled, confused and alone. So now it's time to say those simplistic words, " It just is". Take a deep breath and look at the otherside of the coin, look for the blessings (no matter how difficult it may be at this time).

HNT #7 Oldie (35mm)

Bad news, I had so many new ideas that I was just beginning to explore, unfortunately I dropped my camera as I slipped on my ass in the snow. Oh well hopefully it’ll be fine (the camera, not my ass) as soon as it dries out… Now,I sure couldn’t leave everyone out there just hanging without an HNT (as I've been so enclined to do in the past). So I went and muddled through some of my old photo’s… The ones taken with a 35mm (yes, sadly that old) and came across this one taken at a long forgotten “Heaven on Earth”. The waterfall behind me falls into a very secluded lake, simply paradise.

Butterfly Effect

The butterfly effect… Have you ever given this idea much thought? Not sure what I’m talking about? Well to keep it very simplistic, it’s the principle that every little choice we make changes our destiny. For myself I can see this being so true as I’ve honestly been reflecting back upon the choices I have made. Unfortunately some of the consequences (good or bad) of the choices don’t become relevant for months/years at a time.

I’ve been giving this so much thought because last Saturday I was faced with a difficult choice, at least it was for myself…. As I was driving around, taking care of some errands before my departure to the lake. I stopped by a fellowship hall to get a cup of coffee and to see whom may have been there. At which time a person asked for a ride to a different hall, I said sure and off we went. During the drive she asked, “ Do you know of anyone looking for some company this evening?”

Yes, I knew what she was truly asking but without a second thought I replied, “No, sorry I don’t.” As the drive went on I guess she felt the need to elaborate a little more on her wishes… to be completely honest here, I was beginning to become quite aroused, for she was very attractive and also the fact it has been a very long time since I’ve felt any kind of affection from anyone. Nonetheless I couldn’t accept her offer know matter how much I debated everything over in my mind. After some time, she must have noticed I was having a difficult time with this situation and said the key words “It’ll be our little secret” (flashback city). I so didn’t have to think about it any longer, I just reached in my wallet and gave her some cash and said “ I just hope you use this money wisely and not for drugs.” The expression on her face was in complete awe and gratefulness, as she accepted the money and got out of the Jeep.

Now, I am still battling over why did I chose to do it that way, besides the fact it was the "Right thing to do”. … I mean the true essence of the “Butterfly Effect”. I’m sure only time will tell.

In search of Mud

Very soon (like in a couple hours) I'll be going back out to the lake... As I had mentioned earlier this week Justina had been a very bad girl, after a brief discipline, I realized I had my part to own up as well. Hate to say it but I did neglect her, all she wanted to do was to go out and play. Well in hopes of making it up to her, I'll be in search of some serious mud that she can play in.

Wet n Dirty HNT #6

It's time to get a little "Wet n Dirty" ....


Sorry for the pun, but I so couldn't resist...

I know that this may not have been what you had come to see, but it is a part of me. This is a section of the driveway (easement, to be more precise) going into the lake property.

* edit: I have been informed that the original didn't show for most people, darn hosting company I was using :( ... Well I moved the picture to a different one, unfortunately it's now in a much smaller format ... I'll have to work on finding a better solution for the future.*

Joy Ride

I had just recently gotten home from work and I guess Justina (my jeep) wasn't content in the fact of staying home this evening (since this is the night we usually go out driving around looking for new coffee shops) and took it upon herself to go for a drive... That's right, no longer then 15 minutes after getting home I went out to have a smoke and drink my coffee. Then out of no where two guys came running down my steps asking, "Who owns a red jeep?"
My heart stopped for a brief moment then began to race out of control as I replied, "I do, WHY?"
"Well it's sitting in our front yard" said the younger one of the two guys.
At which time I was like What the fuck ever, you guys are on drugs. Nonetheless I followed them down the block, and sure as shit, Justine was sitting in thier front yard acting sweet and innocent as if nothing is wrong here pa... Even though she had just wiped out a shrub and tore down their hand rail, other then that it was all good. NowI get to learn how to become a mason and a gardner to repair the minor details from her joy ride. Joy Joy Joy

Smoldering the Flames

Yes, it’s been a long while since I’ve updated my blog. So much has taken place and I am still having a difficulty in prioritizing and managing my time. Thus far I am still enjoying my new employment, but the honeymoon isn’t over yet, so we’ll see how much I like it after the probation is done. Rumor has it I’ll be seeing a very nice pay raise at that time, which I am sure will have a huge bearing on my feelings as well.

Now for what has really been going on in my life, unsure of where to begin… I so would love to keep it in chronicle order but I do think my mind well allow for me to do so, basically because it is still stuck in yesterday (bad place for it to be). It was about 10 am I received a phone call from my ex, in my mind I knew it wasn’t going to be good. Only because the only times she calls is when she is either severely depressed, she just met someone new (a sick game she likes to play) and/or just relapsed on her gambling addiction. Well this time is wasn’t any of those (kind of), she asked me to be completely honest and disclose her faults. My mind was like right fucking on, I can finally dump this shit I had been harvesting for years, that was until my true nature took over and knew that wouldn’t be fair to either one of us… So I reluctantly chose to do the later, during a 4-hour phone conversation I tactfully shared with her the things I had seen, observed and experienced. Yes, I also had found it to be a prime time to share my faults, shortcomings, and issues (trust, abandonment, etc.). Nonetheless what I had thought was going to be another draining phone conversation had actually turned into a major blessing. I can now completely let her go without any reservations.

The fire within can now finally begin to smolder.

Coincidental or another blessing? Still haven’t determined, just as I was checking my email before departing to the lake. A long lost friend signed onto yahoo (she never signs on visible), even though our conversation was very brief. It left me with the reinsurance that things in my life may finally once again fall back into place (that is if I am able to just stay the fuck out of the way and not place any expectations upon anything).

Delayed Post of Yesterweek

Thursday morning I went for another job interview for a very known and respectable company. The interview went so well they hired me right then and asked for me to start that afternoon. Yes, I’ll be working what they consider swing shift; the hours are actually 1pm –9:30pm, which in so many ways is ideal for me (no worries of waking up in time, having the morning hours for myself, getting off work just when the night life is truly kicking off, and most of all no more scrapping the morning frost off my windshield). Needless to say, but will anyways, I am once again very content and happy. It’s amazing how much the little fact of being employed can do for your spirits and self worth.

Alright, time to be honest here. This isn’t my dream job, but it’ll enable me to survive, and the time to get my true dreams off those back burners. Which at this time, I’m not ready to disclose. It has to do with one of the Seven Spiritual Laws, written by Deepak Chopra , and my interpretation of it. Basically, for myself, I strongly believe thoughts are things… If I think of something and dwell upon those thoughts and keep them to myself (very similar to Prayers), they will and have begun to grow. It doesn’t matter if they are positive or negative thoughts they will happen… Here is an example (can’t recall where I learned this one, possibly it was in that book), Have you ever been driving along and glanced in the rearview mirror, only to notice a police officer directly behind you? Without a second thought you begin to make sure you are doing the speed limit, seat belts are buckled, hands are on the steering wheel, everything checks out and you are legal but your still thinking, dwelling and knowing (without saying anything) you are going to get pulled over. Sure enough, the next time you glace in the mirror, the blue lights are flashing and you are getting pulled over… Just with that example I am able to see so many other situations that had unfolded before my eyes just as I had thought them too. Well, that power holds the same strength on the good dreams… And if I had chosen to share, the likely hood for them to flourish is much more unlikely, for a couple of reason. One, being an ACOA (Adult Child Of an Alcoholic) I tend to look more for the, “atta boys”, “great idea”, and/or simply the pat on the back for coming up with such a brilliant idea. Once I get those I put my dream back on hold and go on with my regular life plan, not doing a damn thing about my deepest dream, because in so many (sick) ways I got what I felt I needed/wanted, and that is the recognition of being someone of importance. That feeling doesn’t last long and the dream has once again died and/or placed on the back burners… The other reason for not sharing in depths of my dreams is the negative, unsupportive feedbacks… My self-esteem isn’t all that strong, yet, and it’s difficult enough to get a dream off and running without those derogatory remarks.  


*edit, I began this post before I took my week-end trip out to the lake. Only forgot to post it … Go Figure, now I forget where I was trying to go with all of that, but after re-reading it I felt it was a great start and didn’t wish to lose it. So I am hesitantly posting as is…

HNT #4 Natural

Last weeks HNT was getting a bit risqué for myself and did it as a request (yes, I wish to please)… Possibly in time I’ll post more of those types of HNT, but for now and this week I am choosing to post one of me in my most comfortable and serene environments.

Simply Free

Getting ready to head out to the lake, but thought I should post something before I departed for the weekend. After deep considerations of what I truly wish to say (for I still am unable to just let my mind flow freely on here). I’ve decided to leave you with a song that was written/composed from a good friend of mine, and a poem I had written for it (before I knew the title of the song and/or what his inspiration was behind it) as I mentioned I would in my 100 things.


Simply Free

Why can’t we just keep it simple and free?
As we were taught it was suppose to be.

Instead we chose to change the rules and
Play into the game,
That is often filled with remorse, guilt and shame.

So many pressures and demands,
That continuously plays hand and hand.

The cuddling has once again become part of the past,
For the game made sure it didn’t have a chance to last.

It’s no longer simple and free,
You got the best of me.

It all started from a simple little crush,
That didn’t appear to be so much.

After time and the absence of the wine,
I found my love for you became way out of line.

Yet looking back upon the years,
I can still see your beauty keeps getting
deeper and purer.

My love has finally taken its toll,
For there really is no place for it to go.

If we only chose not to hesitate,
And simply flowed with the
magical river of fate.


Why must I keep going on this way?
When we both know this isn’t a game
we wished to play.

Oh I wish you could see,
I only wish you to be free.

Reflections upon 1999

Today I decided to look through some of my boxes, which I haven’t looked in since I moved last. To my surprise I came across an old notebook I had used as a journal. As I began to read, it hit me why not post some of my writings…. Granted most of it was/is filled with half written poems and random thoughts that never quite seem to be completed. Possibly as I begin rewriting them I’ll be able to get back to those times and feelings. In order to just place some kind of closer (sort of speak) to them. Yes, I know I’ve came upon some blogs that had WBW (Way Back Wednesday) that this may have been ideal for, but I am feeling inspired at this time. I don’t have to do all of the entries at this moment, plausibly I can hold off on some if not most and just give one now… Lets just see where this takes me…

Maggie my bike
Dated ........ ....................................... Aug. 1, 1999

On July 19, 1999 I was given the opportunity for a new way of life. The choice is now all mine to keep that dream alive. For I do know without a doubt there is a purpose for me. What that may be, I still do not have clue, but I feel it is something greater then I can ever foresee. That is as long as I stay out of the drivers seat and let the good Lord do his will.

You may be asking, “What took place on that day, that was so tremendous that would cause this new out look upon life?” To keep things simple, I was in an accident while riding my motorcycle. Instead of death I was given the following injuries; Broken Back, Compound fracture of the left arm below the elbow, fractures in the following; left foot, right hand next to the thumb, and in the skull next to my right ear.

Even with all of these injuries, I am now out camping with friends, walking and getting around without a brace…. * this is where it ended *

Reflecting back on that day, I am able to feel that serenity once again. It was defiantly a true wake up call for me. Unfortunately it was so short lived, I once again got caught up into the worldly bullshit. Yet, at this moment I still feel/know what had been written still hold so much truth. For deep in my soul something is crying out to me wishing for me to just let go of all the worldly things and follow him. So that he (God) can do his will in my life.

How’s that for a look into the past? Now that I have some solid ammo I may have to do this again, but for now I should sign off and get to the remainder of my day.

8 Attributes

I had once again been tagged by Blither. Now what was this one again? hmm, 8 attributes I look for in a partner or was mate? There is a difference between the two. I mean really if it’s just someone I am just interested in sleeping with then most of her attributes would/will be physical. Shallow maybe but lets get real, would you sleep around with some one you weren’t physically attracted to? Damn with that said, I guess my partner would have to have some of those attributes as well, but on a norm if she possessed the following attributes then those would generally shine through above anything else.

Honesty – Yes above all that one has to be on the top of the list. I am not talking about some one that will tell you the truth if you ask the “right” question. It’s more when they share, the whole story is disclosed leaving no room for distrust. Granted at times the truth may hurt (for a moment) but nothing like something built upon lies…. Wow, I can go on forever just defining that word. If you haven’t noticed yet, I do have great trust issues that I am desperately trying to walk through.

Open Minded – This one should be self explanatory, just someone that isn’t stuck with their old ideas/thoughts and open to a new way of perceiving life. The willingness and ability to take a few steps back from any given situation and open look at it in a different light… I firmly believe there are always two sides to everything and it is my choice of how I wish to look at it.

Intelligent – Now I am not talking about school taught book knowledge and/or people that continuously use ten syllable words. It’s more you can hold a deep meaningful conversation and you can tell there is a light on upstairs.

Playful – Hmm, where to begin with this one? To keep it in a more simplified form, basically it’s someone that doesn’t take life too damn seriously; able to laugh at one self, doesn’t care if others are looking while just having fun… Living life in this “moment” and not worrying about the future and/or past…

Spiritual – Alright this does NOT mean religious (nothing wrong with that, for I am a Christian), it’s so much broader then that. Once again this one falls back upon the Open Minded and believing, feeling, knowing that there is a God and another realm/dimension among us.

Adventurist – The willingness to try new things in “every“ category… Someone whom enjoys outdoor activities such as but not limited to, camping, skiing (water/snow), four wheeling, hikes and exploring.

Spontaneous – Impulse is the best word for this one, and no it doesn’t mean shopping. I like to think of this as going with the flow and just doing. Got a hair up your butt? Then it’s time to just act upon it, not giving it a second thought.

Touchable –I don’t mean smothering, for we all need are space from time to time. I am referring to someone whom enjoys being cuddled, caressed, given a massage, hair combed with fingers etc… More simplified, loving/caring touches are more then welcomed and/or given.

Is that eight already? That was so much easier (except for some of the definitions) then the last tag. I can think of so many more attributes that I tend to look for in a woman, but I guess I’ll just leave those for another day/time. Now here comes the hard part, I so need to venture out more and meet more people so that I can begin tagging them myself :-S . Oh well, in time I am sure that will not be a problem. So for now I am tagging whom ever wishes to do this list. Please just let me know you did it and I'll be sure to comment on it. :)

5 weird habits

Well, Blither had tagged me in making a list of 5 Weird Habits I may have… Damn this is difficult, especially since a habit is something you do without thinking about it, it was so much easier writing the 100 things about me, and I mean lets get real, if I think they are weird would I still be apt to do them? Most likely not, but then again… grrrrr, alright I admit I be stumped… Well these may not be weird but I should at least make an attempt to doing this.

1. My first cup (that has never been washed, only rinsed out with hot water) needs to have some kind of sweetener (French Vanilla preferred, but sugar works) in it and the rest of the day I drink it black. I generally drink at least a pot a day.
2. I am only able to sleep (when the insomnia hasn’t risen it’s ugly head) when there is music playing softly in the background, if a stereo is unavailable then a TV will do.
3. Hmm is this a habit? I guess some may think it is, so I’ll go with that. I have to name every vehicle I own… If you wish for that list, let me know and I’ll gladly post it.
4. Most evenings, just before I retire. I’ve found myself sitting here in front of this monitor with a blank stare. Uncertain of where my mind/thoughts may have gone. After an hour or two has done well past, I snap to and realize I’ve been in a deep trance (simply zoning).
5. Alright, as many of you know I am a bachelor and live alone (for many years), yet I just noticed, I still put the toilet seat down. Damn if my ex’s haven’t trained me well.


I know I am suppose to tag to keep this alive, but I don't know that many on here. So I am basically limited to just tagging Deena.

Quick note

Just a very quick update. I know I haven't updated since Thursday and/or was it Wednesday night. hmmm ... Well I guess that part really doesn't matter anyways. First off I would like to thank all of you that have taken the time to read and comment on my 100 things. I wish I could have found the time to blog that earlier I've just been very busy for the last few days with my new employment, running to the lake and normal everyday things...Which all has actually been taking a toll on me.. Work alone has been taking up 12 plus Long fulfilling hours (that doesn't include drive time),when I get home the most I am able to do is cook (nuke) up some dinner then lay down/zone for the remainder of the evening..

I do hope that I will some day be able to prioritize everything in a more sane fashion so that I can continue to do the things I enjoy.

HNT #2

I am posting a little early, alright it's only a few hours away, cause I accually begin work at bright and early. I am so greatful to be employed again. Well enough from me, at this moment, cause I am sure this is what you really came to see. Still a bit unsure of where to go with these and feeling left in the dark. These shots were taken from my kitchen window.

100 Things

At the request of Tish or was it a command? Hmmmm, so unsure all I know is there’s a few explanation points behind her comment. Anyways on with the list, damn really 100 things!?!?

1. Born in Seattle, Washington
2. At 5 received my first unforgettable kiss
3. Parents got a divorce when I was 6
4. Got my first dog, he was a mutt, named him George (from the cartoon George of the Jungle)
5. Lived between Spokane and Seattle most of my life
6. Went to 4 different Schools before the third grade
7. Learned to snow ski while in the forth grade, Instructor called me Hot Dog
8. Haven’t been up skiing for a couple years
9. Got into my first fist fight in fifth grade, I lost, he had too many rules
10. Had a Seattle Times paper route delivered 50 + dailies and 70 + Sundays
11. Made good money for an eleven year old.
12. Wrecked my moms car at 14, doing 70 mph in a 30 mph corner
13. She wasn’t happy, I went to juvenile detention
14. At 16 went sky diving, loved it but haven’t been since
15. First attempt on my driving Test, got 99% on the written and 100% on the driving.
16. Still got a lot of tickets on my record, go figure
17. My first car was a 76 Toyota Corolla to top it off, it was Lilly pad green
18. Seventeen went into the Army
19. Had my first legal beer in George Town (Washington D.C.) on my 18th
20. Can’t recall how I got back to the barracks, and no it wasn’t the first or last time for a blackout drive.
21. I am a recovering Alcoholic, been in the program for 12 plus years
22. My drug of choice was marijuana, Snake Bites (Yukon Jack and Roses Lime juice) was my poison.
23. Coffee, especially a quad Kahlua mocha is my new addiction
24. I am spiritually open minded, but always fall back upon Christianity
25. Was stationed at Camp Carrol, Korea (South of Seoul) for a year
26. The remainder of my enlistment was done at Ft. Carson, Colorado
27. I have a daughter her name is Kourtnee Ellen, she is 14
28. Only held her twice and spoken to her (on the phone) once, biggest regret of my life do to my drinking/using is that I ran
29. Been searching for her to make an amends, but just as I am thinking I’m getting close I end up hitting another dead end
30. I have never been married
31. I have major trust issues that I so need to work through
32. My greatest love, was also my closest friend (always platonic) since the age of 17
33. We rarely talk anymore, her husband and I have only met once
34. I haven’t dated for a few years now, with always a new reason why not
35. Met few people online (never met them in person) that I have fallen hard for.
36. I tend to fall in love with unavailable (emotionally, physically etc.) women.
37. My favorite part of any relationship is the Honeymoon phase, were you getting to know each other. From there it usually becomes completely chaotic or simply boring.
38. Music is the passion of my soul, I take the time to learn something from every genre and find at least 5 songs from each that I can say I like.
39. Don’t wish to admit but I am still having difficult time finding 5 songs from Opera… Unless you’ll accept “Phantom of the Opera” as being one, for I do love that whole album/cd/play.
40. Took my previously mentioned friend to see that play for her birthday a few years ago
41. Depending upon my mood and what part of my spirit I am wishing to feed, are the determining factors of what genre I chose to listen to but on the norm, at this moment in my life, my favorite genre is coffee shop rock/alternative/indie.
42. When I am upset, pissed off, angry there is nothing better the Death/Heavy/Acid Metal, that is if I am wishing to live in the shit, talk about an unhealthy comfort but it works.
43. My favorite song is “Everything” from Lifehouse and has been for a few years.
44. My sobriety song is “(I’ve been) searching for so long” from Chicago.
45. I find comfort in marking events/moments of my life with songs that enable me to reflect back with clarity of what was really going on inside of me.
46. Right now I’m listening to one of my best friends compositions titled “My Sweet Love”
47. I wrote a poem, while that song was on repeat. I may just have to post both of them when I am finished with this.
48. My favorite colour (Aussies way of writing that word, actually I think it looks better written that way) is Aqua- Marine, I think that is the name of it.. It’s a bluish green; hmmm maybe it’s called teal.
49. Italian food is to die for, yes I love the pasta, tomato sauces and cheeses.
50. I am ¼ Italian, ¼ Finish, ¼ English and the rest is 57 Heinz
51. For being a blue-eyed blonde, I tan easily.
52. I’ve only had one sunburn in my life and that one was minor.
53. I’ve recently been told I look like Tom Cruise, but she was drunk. So does that really count? Not sure if that was meant as a compliment or not, even though she did address me as Tom there after.
54. My favorite candies are; Peanut M&M’s, Reece’s Peanut butter cups, and Snickers
55. When I was younger I was allergic to so many things, I’m not sure if I can even list them all, but the main ones are; Eggs, house dust, cats, dogs, feathers and the list went on and on after I was tested.
56. Had to get shots in my arms every Tuesday and Thursday for my allergies.
57. I now have out grown most of them.
58. I so love Ham and Cheddar Omelets for breakfast.
59. The main allergies, which I still have, are to Walnuts, pecans and shorthaired cats.
60. I had a beautiful longhaired, all black cat his name was Zack. He disappeared a week before Halloween a few years ago.
61. I still miss him today.
62. I am unable to have pets where I live now, but I do have an aquarium with a few fishies in it.
63. I’ve often dreamt of learning to fly and getting my private pilots license.
64. I find serenity in high places, sitting on the edge of a cliff and/or a waterfall.
65. Waterfalls and Fires are the most hypnotizing visuals I’ve laid my eyes upon.
66. I once owned a Honda V-65 (1100) Magna motorcycle, hence my user name Magna Luv
67. My given name is Richard, but I go by Rick
68. I was in a horrid auto accident while riding that bike, a Toyota pick-up pulled out of parking lot making a left hand turn In front of me, giving me no other choice but to go right into it.
69. My list of injuries included; Compound Fracture of my left arm (was only given 10% chance of ever using it again), Broken Back (still have a rod in it), fractured; jaw, right thumb, left foot, right eardrum and skull. Was that it? I think it was.
70. I was hospitalized for two weeks.
71. A week after getting out of the hospital, I went out camping at the lake… even though it was the middle of summer, I froze my ass off due to the lack of blood in my body.
72. To this day I still pay extra for my motorcycle endorsement on my drivers license.
73. I don’t watch much TV but when I do I enjoy; Smallville, CSI (Vegas), NCIS, Boston Legal, Prison Break and House… Lost looks good but I missed so much of it, I think I’ll just have to rent the DVD’s
74. Last movie I’ve seen on the Big Screen was “Star Wars, Revenge of the Sith”
75. I’m a true bachelor; if it’s not nukable then it’s not worth cooking and/or eating.
76. I eat out more often then I really should.
77. I feel like shit if I eat too much fast food, so I try my best to avoid them.
78. I’ve noticed my emotions tend to be more stable and I am generally happier when I eat organic and/or (non processed) healthy foods.
79. I am considered to be under weight, have been all my life.
80. The Army turned me away at first cause of my weight, being too low.
81. It’s not as if I don’t eat, cause I do, a lot in my opinion it just doesn’t stick.
82. I think that may be one of the main factors why I get cold so darn easily, not just a chill but way down to my bones. The only way to warm up is with a scolding hot shower.
83. I so enjoy the true four seasons; Snowy white winters, flower blooming springs, hot sunny summers, and leave falling autumns.
84. I am a self taught computer junkie, have been since my first computer that I am not sure if it even had a number on it… all it had was DOS and Norton’s point and shoot. I upgraded a month after getting that one to a whopping high speed 386 that had; 8mb of RAM, 33k modem and a 300MB hard drive that Windows 95 took up most of the disc space. Damn those were the days.
85. I’ve built/designed a few websites using HTML when Java was still fairly new, Played a little with Java mostly just manipulating the codes so it would do what I wanted.
86. My last website I designed was called Phatrhymes.com, it was an online commercial free radio station.
87. My Worst habit is I smoke cigarettes; someday I truly would like to quit.
88. Masturbation hasn’t really been a problem, it just is.
89. Insomnia has become a very well known for me, especially in times I am stressed, anxious and/or depressed.
90. Fearful of taking Nyquil (haven’t since I’ve sobered up) due to it’s alcohol content.
91. Only took sleeping pills once, was told they were herbal or something like that, woke from a dead sleep screaming at the top of my lungs “ F-YOU”, but saying the full words.
92. Stephen King, Dean Koontz and Anne Rice (haven’t read her new one and unsure if I am willing) are my favorite authors.
93. Oh my I am almost done with the 100 things and I almost forgot to mention my sibling. I have one brother; his name is Rob and is two years younger than me.
94. For the most part we were raised as only children. When our dad was raising me, he was at moms. Then when he went to dads, I was basically out on my own.
95. I am a touchy type of person; I find great pleasure in caressing, holding, cuddling and combing my fingers through soft long hair.
96. I’ve recently worked in Radio, one of the best jobs I’ve had all except for my boss and the pay …those are the reason I chose to quit that job.
97. “Just is” are words I try my best to live by… for it’s neither good or bad, it just is.
98. My one dream/wish before I die, Is that I may find that one true love beyond any other. The love that no one could ever compare to, nor would I want to. Where she is completely available in all senses of the word.
99. I’ve felt Love similar to as I was trying to describe a few times, but there were always obstacles and availability factors.
100. It’s now 3 am and I do have a job interview in the morning, if you took the time to read all of the 100 things about me, I would like to say thank you for taking an interest.

New Day

      Yes, I chose to delete “The Week in Review”. After spending time at the lake and reflecting upon what I wrote, I felt I might have shared a bit too much too soon. I know I could have just edited out those things but it was just easier to say good-bye to the whole post.

     Anyways, I am back at it again, trying to look upon this new day in a positive way. Though, I do not know what this day truly has in store for me, my mind still tries to have it all planned out. Whom I am fooling? Those ideas generally never pan out the way I expect them to, and by the end of the day I am torn, frustrated and depressed. For all I really had done was given my mind more fuel to keep its own lies (unloved, no one cares, not good enough, etc.) alive. So, I am writing this in hopes of getting out of this insane thinking and to finally be able to look at this day as an infant. Simply observing, acknowledging and going through this day with an open mind and without prejudices.

      Well, I’ve procrastinated long enough from what I “really” need to get done today.

Seahawks

GO

Talk about a great game!! There were moments that I was beginning to believe that once again the Hawks were going to let us (fans) down. Especially in the fourth quarter where it never fails, they go into it with the lead and as if they just get cocky, thinking they have the game and flub the rest of the game.  I am just thankful that today they didn’t live up to that repetition, for they may actually do something this year. Well, only one can hope/pray.  

Mobile

This is just a test for the mobile blogger. Hopefully it works, this picture was taken with my phone, on a cruise I took last summer.

HNT

For my first HNT, I didn’t wish to get too risqué, I shall leave that for another day. So for my first HNT I decided to post this photo of myself and 2005 St. Pauli Girl,Stacy Fuson.

Tuesday

Yes, a few more days had come to pass since I’ve written (trying to be more consistent). To simply sum up on the past few days, Sunday went out to the Lake (my little sanctuary). It felt so good to just get away from everything, some may call it running but I choose to call it therapy. There is no other place that is able to let me just get centered and clear my mind as there.

Yesterday on the other hand was a totally different story, I think I’ve come down with something, feeling totally stuffed up yet my nose kept draining rivers of unwanted crap, so how the hell could I be stuffed up? Anyways on top of being physically ill, I was filled with anxiety on top of extremely over-whelmed. You know where you are unable to just sit and be calm, feels like bugs running under your skin, you just have to get up and do something. Yet when you begin to do just that it’s like hitting a brick wall cause you are unsure of what to do, where to begin, then the anxiety and frustration consumes you once again. Well I couldn’t take it any longer, so I just put my head under my pillow and prayed to God that this too shall pass, SOON !!

It’s now a new day, and even though it’s not quite the afternoon (yet), I am hoping this song shall guide me through today.





Tuesday afternoon.
I'm just beginning to see,
Now I'm on my way.
It doesn't matter to me,
Chasing the clouds away.

Something calls to me.
The trees are drawing me near,
I've got to find out why.
Those gentle voices I hear
Explain it all with a sigh.

I'm looking at myself, reflections of my mind.
It's just the kind of day to leave myself behind.
So gently swaying through the fairy-land of love,

If you could just come with me and see the beauty of
Tuesday afternoon.
Tuesday afternoon.

Tuesday afternoon.
I'm just beginning to see,
Now I'm on my way.
It doesn't matter to me,
Chasing the clouds away.

Something calls to me.
The trees are drawing me near,
I've got to find out why.
Those gentle voices I hear
Explain it all with a sigh.

Sifting through old poems

Been going through some of the poems I have written, in hopes that they may release the creativity that resides deep inside of me. Here is one I wrote for my friends wedding.

It is only from the depths of the heart
Those pure memories shall start.
As the days flourish into years,
The laughter over taken by tears.
Simply reflect back on the past,
When you both vowed
This Love will last.

Yes, it was short but after I wrote in calligraphy and framed it, I was surprised it actually turned out better then ever expected.  I only wish now I had taken a picture of the finished product when I had the opportunity to. Unfortunately, I am unable now due to the fact he was involved in a fatal accident, coincidentally it was the very year I was hospitalized from an accident... I shall write more about that year at a later time.

Sick Cycle

I am chasing after my own tail, besides getting dizzy, baffled and disoriented... I feel so alone, beginning to beleive my own lies that know one else has ever been here before. So once again, I have to reach for my music to ensure me that I will someday beable to get off this carousel.

At it again

Grrrrr…. I had so forgotten what a toll it is looking for employment. It’s such an emotional roller coaster, (put on your happy face, think positive, sell yourself… all for no call backs, that position has already been filled, your not what we are looking for.) I just want to get off this ride. Simply feel drained and yet I know, I so need to get off my ass and just do it, but that damn bed looks so inviting.

All right time to put on some uplifting, motivational music and get on with the day before I allow it to pass me by. Can’t afford (financially, physically, mentally) to procrastinate any longer.

Yester Year

Yesterday, I decided to take some time for myself and reflect upon the year gone past. So I went to a place where I could truly do that, it’s my little sanctuary, a little place on this earth that was blessed to me. When I arrived to the lake, I could feel all the troubles of the yester year be lifted off my weighted shoulders. No more worries and/or cares, I was finally able to just let go and find serenity.



    All right for a short summery of the things that came and past in 2005…. Wow, My mind just went blank. I had hoped to write something about each month, got to January and found I can’t recall shit. So I guess it would be best just to note the highlights, at least for now…

• Greatest event, I was granted a beautiful peace of land, that as I said once before, I am ever so grateful.


• Purchased a beautiful Jeep (she still doesn’t have a solid name)


• Quit my job, too many empty promises, had to finally stick up for myself, I deserve so much more.

I’m sure so much more had taken place, yet my mind isn’t allowing me to recall them. Most likely another blessing.