Smoldering the Flames

Yes, it’s been a long while since I’ve updated my blog. So much has taken place and I am still having a difficulty in prioritizing and managing my time. Thus far I am still enjoying my new employment, but the honeymoon isn’t over yet, so we’ll see how much I like it after the probation is done. Rumor has it I’ll be seeing a very nice pay raise at that time, which I am sure will have a huge bearing on my feelings as well.

Now for what has really been going on in my life, unsure of where to begin… I so would love to keep it in chronicle order but I do think my mind well allow for me to do so, basically because it is still stuck in yesterday (bad place for it to be). It was about 10 am I received a phone call from my ex, in my mind I knew it wasn’t going to be good. Only because the only times she calls is when she is either severely depressed, she just met someone new (a sick game she likes to play) and/or just relapsed on her gambling addiction. Well this time is wasn’t any of those (kind of), she asked me to be completely honest and disclose her faults. My mind was like right fucking on, I can finally dump this shit I had been harvesting for years, that was until my true nature took over and knew that wouldn’t be fair to either one of us… So I reluctantly chose to do the later, during a 4-hour phone conversation I tactfully shared with her the things I had seen, observed and experienced. Yes, I also had found it to be a prime time to share my faults, shortcomings, and issues (trust, abandonment, etc.). Nonetheless what I had thought was going to be another draining phone conversation had actually turned into a major blessing. I can now completely let her go without any reservations.

The fire within can now finally begin to smolder.

Coincidental or another blessing? Still haven’t determined, just as I was checking my email before departing to the lake. A long lost friend signed onto yahoo (she never signs on visible), even though our conversation was very brief. It left me with the reinsurance that things in my life may finally once again fall back into place (that is if I am able to just stay the fuck out of the way and not place any expectations upon anything).

Delayed Post of Yesterweek

Thursday morning I went for another job interview for a very known and respectable company. The interview went so well they hired me right then and asked for me to start that afternoon. Yes, I’ll be working what they consider swing shift; the hours are actually 1pm –9:30pm, which in so many ways is ideal for me (no worries of waking up in time, having the morning hours for myself, getting off work just when the night life is truly kicking off, and most of all no more scrapping the morning frost off my windshield). Needless to say, but will anyways, I am once again very content and happy. It’s amazing how much the little fact of being employed can do for your spirits and self worth.

Alright, time to be honest here. This isn’t my dream job, but it’ll enable me to survive, and the time to get my true dreams off those back burners. Which at this time, I’m not ready to disclose. It has to do with one of the Seven Spiritual Laws, written by Deepak Chopra , and my interpretation of it. Basically, for myself, I strongly believe thoughts are things… If I think of something and dwell upon those thoughts and keep them to myself (very similar to Prayers), they will and have begun to grow. It doesn’t matter if they are positive or negative thoughts they will happen… Here is an example (can’t recall where I learned this one, possibly it was in that book), Have you ever been driving along and glanced in the rearview mirror, only to notice a police officer directly behind you? Without a second thought you begin to make sure you are doing the speed limit, seat belts are buckled, hands are on the steering wheel, everything checks out and you are legal but your still thinking, dwelling and knowing (without saying anything) you are going to get pulled over. Sure enough, the next time you glace in the mirror, the blue lights are flashing and you are getting pulled over… Just with that example I am able to see so many other situations that had unfolded before my eyes just as I had thought them too. Well, that power holds the same strength on the good dreams… And if I had chosen to share, the likely hood for them to flourish is much more unlikely, for a couple of reason. One, being an ACOA (Adult Child Of an Alcoholic) I tend to look more for the, “atta boys”, “great idea”, and/or simply the pat on the back for coming up with such a brilliant idea. Once I get those I put my dream back on hold and go on with my regular life plan, not doing a damn thing about my deepest dream, because in so many (sick) ways I got what I felt I needed/wanted, and that is the recognition of being someone of importance. That feeling doesn’t last long and the dream has once again died and/or placed on the back burners… The other reason for not sharing in depths of my dreams is the negative, unsupportive feedbacks… My self-esteem isn’t all that strong, yet, and it’s difficult enough to get a dream off and running without those derogatory remarks.  


*edit, I began this post before I took my week-end trip out to the lake. Only forgot to post it … Go Figure, now I forget where I was trying to go with all of that, but after re-reading it I felt it was a great start and didn’t wish to lose it. So I am hesitantly posting as is…

HNT #4 Natural

Last weeks HNT was getting a bit risqué for myself and did it as a request (yes, I wish to please)… Possibly in time I’ll post more of those types of HNT, but for now and this week I am choosing to post one of me in my most comfortable and serene environments.

Simply Free

Getting ready to head out to the lake, but thought I should post something before I departed for the weekend. After deep considerations of what I truly wish to say (for I still am unable to just let my mind flow freely on here). I’ve decided to leave you with a song that was written/composed from a good friend of mine, and a poem I had written for it (before I knew the title of the song and/or what his inspiration was behind it) as I mentioned I would in my 100 things.


Simply Free

Why can’t we just keep it simple and free?
As we were taught it was suppose to be.

Instead we chose to change the rules and
Play into the game,
That is often filled with remorse, guilt and shame.

So many pressures and demands,
That continuously plays hand and hand.

The cuddling has once again become part of the past,
For the game made sure it didn’t have a chance to last.

It’s no longer simple and free,
You got the best of me.

It all started from a simple little crush,
That didn’t appear to be so much.

After time and the absence of the wine,
I found my love for you became way out of line.

Yet looking back upon the years,
I can still see your beauty keeps getting
deeper and purer.

My love has finally taken its toll,
For there really is no place for it to go.

If we only chose not to hesitate,
And simply flowed with the
magical river of fate.


Why must I keep going on this way?
When we both know this isn’t a game
we wished to play.

Oh I wish you could see,
I only wish you to be free.

Reflections upon 1999

Today I decided to look through some of my boxes, which I haven’t looked in since I moved last. To my surprise I came across an old notebook I had used as a journal. As I began to read, it hit me why not post some of my writings…. Granted most of it was/is filled with half written poems and random thoughts that never quite seem to be completed. Possibly as I begin rewriting them I’ll be able to get back to those times and feelings. In order to just place some kind of closer (sort of speak) to them. Yes, I know I’ve came upon some blogs that had WBW (Way Back Wednesday) that this may have been ideal for, but I am feeling inspired at this time. I don’t have to do all of the entries at this moment, plausibly I can hold off on some if not most and just give one now… Lets just see where this takes me…

Maggie my bike
Dated ........ ....................................... Aug. 1, 1999

On July 19, 1999 I was given the opportunity for a new way of life. The choice is now all mine to keep that dream alive. For I do know without a doubt there is a purpose for me. What that may be, I still do not have clue, but I feel it is something greater then I can ever foresee. That is as long as I stay out of the drivers seat and let the good Lord do his will.

You may be asking, “What took place on that day, that was so tremendous that would cause this new out look upon life?” To keep things simple, I was in an accident while riding my motorcycle. Instead of death I was given the following injuries; Broken Back, Compound fracture of the left arm below the elbow, fractures in the following; left foot, right hand next to the thumb, and in the skull next to my right ear.

Even with all of these injuries, I am now out camping with friends, walking and getting around without a brace…. * this is where it ended *

Reflecting back on that day, I am able to feel that serenity once again. It was defiantly a true wake up call for me. Unfortunately it was so short lived, I once again got caught up into the worldly bullshit. Yet, at this moment I still feel/know what had been written still hold so much truth. For deep in my soul something is crying out to me wishing for me to just let go of all the worldly things and follow him. So that he (God) can do his will in my life.

How’s that for a look into the past? Now that I have some solid ammo I may have to do this again, but for now I should sign off and get to the remainder of my day.

8 Attributes

I had once again been tagged by Blither. Now what was this one again? hmm, 8 attributes I look for in a partner or was mate? There is a difference between the two. I mean really if it’s just someone I am just interested in sleeping with then most of her attributes would/will be physical. Shallow maybe but lets get real, would you sleep around with some one you weren’t physically attracted to? Damn with that said, I guess my partner would have to have some of those attributes as well, but on a norm if she possessed the following attributes then those would generally shine through above anything else.

Honesty – Yes above all that one has to be on the top of the list. I am not talking about some one that will tell you the truth if you ask the “right” question. It’s more when they share, the whole story is disclosed leaving no room for distrust. Granted at times the truth may hurt (for a moment) but nothing like something built upon lies…. Wow, I can go on forever just defining that word. If you haven’t noticed yet, I do have great trust issues that I am desperately trying to walk through.

Open Minded – This one should be self explanatory, just someone that isn’t stuck with their old ideas/thoughts and open to a new way of perceiving life. The willingness and ability to take a few steps back from any given situation and open look at it in a different light… I firmly believe there are always two sides to everything and it is my choice of how I wish to look at it.

Intelligent – Now I am not talking about school taught book knowledge and/or people that continuously use ten syllable words. It’s more you can hold a deep meaningful conversation and you can tell there is a light on upstairs.

Playful – Hmm, where to begin with this one? To keep it in a more simplified form, basically it’s someone that doesn’t take life too damn seriously; able to laugh at one self, doesn’t care if others are looking while just having fun… Living life in this “moment” and not worrying about the future and/or past…

Spiritual – Alright this does NOT mean religious (nothing wrong with that, for I am a Christian), it’s so much broader then that. Once again this one falls back upon the Open Minded and believing, feeling, knowing that there is a God and another realm/dimension among us.

Adventurist – The willingness to try new things in “every“ category… Someone whom enjoys outdoor activities such as but not limited to, camping, skiing (water/snow), four wheeling, hikes and exploring.

Spontaneous – Impulse is the best word for this one, and no it doesn’t mean shopping. I like to think of this as going with the flow and just doing. Got a hair up your butt? Then it’s time to just act upon it, not giving it a second thought.

Touchable –I don’t mean smothering, for we all need are space from time to time. I am referring to someone whom enjoys being cuddled, caressed, given a massage, hair combed with fingers etc… More simplified, loving/caring touches are more then welcomed and/or given.

Is that eight already? That was so much easier (except for some of the definitions) then the last tag. I can think of so many more attributes that I tend to look for in a woman, but I guess I’ll just leave those for another day/time. Now here comes the hard part, I so need to venture out more and meet more people so that I can begin tagging them myself :-S . Oh well, in time I am sure that will not be a problem. So for now I am tagging whom ever wishes to do this list. Please just let me know you did it and I'll be sure to comment on it. :)