Getting back into Life

Damn does time fly by when you are busy, I’ve been pulling 10 –12 hr work days this last week fortunately today is only an 8 and yes it’s TGIF. Even with my busy work week, I realized I so need a social life, so I’ve began to go back to meetings. I came across one that happens to start just as my shift ends. The only bad part is that it’s not in the best part of town, then again is there any meeting halls that are? Other then that the meetings have been just what I have been yearning. My spirit is once again beginning to be filled, and I now once again can hold my head up and look into other people’s eyes.

It’s amazing how easily I had forgotten how much I so need human contact. There was a time all I did was play games and met people on the computer. Yes, I was addicted to an online game and I did meet some fantastic people that I had began to truly love, but that time has come to an end. I found I so need more in my life, the actual human touch, looking into some ones eyes (without a cam).

Once again the time is getting away from me, and I am running late for work, but knew I needed to post something if not anything. Hopefully I’ll be able to find time this weekend to fill in the gaps of all the bullshit that has once again come into my life.

"Just Friends"

As a request from Deena, I just got done watching that movie "Just Friends". I have to admit parts of it were funny, but then again there were others that hit too close to home. As mentioned in my 100 things, I’ve had that special friend and hit the “friend zone” that we could never get past. This is reality and not Hollywood… I recall after some time had come to pass and we ran into each other once again she made it very clear that this isn’t like "When Harry met Sally".

Once again choices lie before me of what I should do next. One I can follow Tom Leykis advice, if all I wanted to do is to get laid….
Hmmmmm, well that wouldn’t be that bad at this moment……. Grrrrr, I just can’t go there either, I’ve played that game before and it doesn’t get me where I truly wish to be. So I guess I really don’t have that many choices if I wish to be true to thy own self.

Corkscrew Rollercoaster

Alright so go ahead and spank me, I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I have just been busy with work and mind fucking myself for the last week. Possibly better put, jumping on the emotional rollercoaster and just giving my mind a free ride to do whatever it chooses to do, definitely not a very wise thing to do...

Damn it why am I finding this so difficult to write? It's not that I have a mind blockat this moment it is running hundred miles an hour. It's just that everything I have written and deleted thus far just doesn't feel right.... Maybe I shoudl just give up and either "A" quit posting all together, or "B" stop proof reading what has been already written and just let it be... Well if I did choose to do "A" then why havea blog at all... So I guess the only true option is "B", now if I could just find that zone and do that *sigh*.

Well that doesn't look as if it's going to happen either, for at this moment I think I am in the corkscrew of that ride... Twisted and entwined thoughts are still running amuck, Well this ever end? Why am I doing this to myself? I was in a great place until...... Bingo, there it is.... I was in a great place until I was once again informed " I was a great friend and I don't wish to lose that". The most dreded words a single guy can ever hear. Granted I don't wish to lose the friendship that has been built, but hasn't it been written the best lovers start off as friends?!?!??! If that holds so much truth where the hell is the line?

Fuck it all anyways.... I am once again back to an all so familuar place; baffled, confused and alone. So now it's time to say those simplistic words, " It just is". Take a deep breath and look at the otherside of the coin, look for the blessings (no matter how difficult it may be at this time).

HNT #7 Oldie (35mm)

Bad news, I had so many new ideas that I was just beginning to explore, unfortunately I dropped my camera as I slipped on my ass in the snow. Oh well hopefully it’ll be fine (the camera, not my ass) as soon as it dries out… Now,I sure couldn’t leave everyone out there just hanging without an HNT (as I've been so enclined to do in the past). So I went and muddled through some of my old photo’s… The ones taken with a 35mm (yes, sadly that old) and came across this one taken at a long forgotten “Heaven on Earth”. The waterfall behind me falls into a very secluded lake, simply paradise.

Butterfly Effect

The butterfly effect… Have you ever given this idea much thought? Not sure what I’m talking about? Well to keep it very simplistic, it’s the principle that every little choice we make changes our destiny. For myself I can see this being so true as I’ve honestly been reflecting back upon the choices I have made. Unfortunately some of the consequences (good or bad) of the choices don’t become relevant for months/years at a time.

I’ve been giving this so much thought because last Saturday I was faced with a difficult choice, at least it was for myself…. As I was driving around, taking care of some errands before my departure to the lake. I stopped by a fellowship hall to get a cup of coffee and to see whom may have been there. At which time a person asked for a ride to a different hall, I said sure and off we went. During the drive she asked, “ Do you know of anyone looking for some company this evening?”

Yes, I knew what she was truly asking but without a second thought I replied, “No, sorry I don’t.” As the drive went on I guess she felt the need to elaborate a little more on her wishes… to be completely honest here, I was beginning to become quite aroused, for she was very attractive and also the fact it has been a very long time since I’ve felt any kind of affection from anyone. Nonetheless I couldn’t accept her offer know matter how much I debated everything over in my mind. After some time, she must have noticed I was having a difficult time with this situation and said the key words “It’ll be our little secret” (flashback city). I so didn’t have to think about it any longer, I just reached in my wallet and gave her some cash and said “ I just hope you use this money wisely and not for drugs.” The expression on her face was in complete awe and gratefulness, as she accepted the money and got out of the Jeep.

Now, I am still battling over why did I chose to do it that way, besides the fact it was the "Right thing to do”. … I mean the true essence of the “Butterfly Effect”. I’m sure only time will tell.

In search of Mud

Very soon (like in a couple hours) I'll be going back out to the lake... As I had mentioned earlier this week Justina had been a very bad girl, after a brief discipline, I realized I had my part to own up as well. Hate to say it but I did neglect her, all she wanted to do was to go out and play. Well in hopes of making it up to her, I'll be in search of some serious mud that she can play in.

Wet n Dirty HNT #6

It's time to get a little "Wet n Dirty" ....


Sorry for the pun, but I so couldn't resist...

I know that this may not have been what you had come to see, but it is a part of me. This is a section of the driveway (easement, to be more precise) going into the lake property.

* edit: I have been informed that the original didn't show for most people, darn hosting company I was using :( ... Well I moved the picture to a different one, unfortunately it's now in a much smaller format ... I'll have to work on finding a better solution for the future.*

Joy Ride

I had just recently gotten home from work and I guess Justina (my jeep) wasn't content in the fact of staying home this evening (since this is the night we usually go out driving around looking for new coffee shops) and took it upon herself to go for a drive... That's right, no longer then 15 minutes after getting home I went out to have a smoke and drink my coffee. Then out of no where two guys came running down my steps asking, "Who owns a red jeep?"
My heart stopped for a brief moment then began to race out of control as I replied, "I do, WHY?"
"Well it's sitting in our front yard" said the younger one of the two guys.
At which time I was like What the fuck ever, you guys are on drugs. Nonetheless I followed them down the block, and sure as shit, Justine was sitting in thier front yard acting sweet and innocent as if nothing is wrong here pa... Even though she had just wiped out a shrub and tore down their hand rail, other then that it was all good. NowI get to learn how to become a mason and a gardner to repair the minor details from her joy ride. Joy Joy Joy